A Barrel Of Monkies

ilyanep: from this moment on I am a captialist elitist oligarch
ilyanep: The freedom of the worker is the enslavement of society.
ilyanep: Those with the gift of intelligence are best suited to run society.
ilyanep: Protecting the foundation of society requires defending it by all means.
ilyanep: hah
ilyanep: Freedom is slavery
Ignorance is strength
War is peace
ilyanep: I honestly thought of the first two and then noticed they matched up pretty closely with the three things from 1984 and then thought of the third one...
ilyanep: actually I could live with Ingsoc as long as I was a member of the inner party :D



(I could also live with Brave New World cause I know I'd be an Alpha Plus)

(Actually...I couldn't live with them, but y'know if I had to, I'd be better off than many)

(And y'know why? Cause I'm freaking awesome! Thank you thank you I know you agree)

It's unfair that the awesome people have the sucky lives.
It's unfair that the awesome people have annoying families.
It's unfair that the people these awesome people love fall into bad circumstances.
It's unfair that the awesome people are the ones who get cancer.
It's unfair that the awesome people are the ones who have to leave [physically or metaphorically].

And it's unfair that the people whose lives suck, families annoy them, lose relatives, get cancer and have to leave are the ones who make the world a decent and tolerable place to live in.

Here's going out to you if you experienced any of the above or more. I love you all. I recognize what you do and I don't know what I would do without you.

I think I just had a dream and the only thing I remember is that a cute little baby Mew [the only Mew] and my good friend, the only Mewtwo were involved. And that I had to go to Cuba or something to save the Mew. And that Mewtwo was a pacifist, but there was a war going on. And I almost got badly hurt. But I saved the Mew...I think...

This post brought to you by Ilya 10 minutes after he woke up.

[Before I go into my rant, I'm going to mention that I no longer intend this journal to be a blow-by-blow account of my life. But rather a random repository of random stuff I feel like writing in a fairly obscure place. I make this decision after noticing I've failed to update this very often in the last year and a half].

Anyways, I'm scared.

I don't know what I think, or feel, or want anymore. Where is the world going? Where am I in it? Not the obvious stuff. My dreams have been set, and I've known where I'm going to be in some aspects in 10 years. But I'm so clueless otherwise.

Do I want to do this? Am I capable?

Every day I get a little more scared. A little more confused. A little more confident. A little more determined. An unlikely set of emotions? Well, there's a dichotomy inside me. The one who's so confident, who swears things have to work because he can see the puzzle pieces fitting together [...er...metaphorically]. Then there's the one who's afraid. Who thinks maybe the other one is just being fooled by wishful thinking. The one who gets more confident he's right every time something bad happens.

And they battle it out. I guess my mood just depends on who's winning.

And here's the worst part. I could be at IMSA with my friends and this problem would be 10 times smaller. Which usually leads to the conclusion that I'm just missing my IMSA friends. But is that it? Or is this a deeper problem?

More questions. Less answers. More uncertainty. Less sureness. More confidence. More determination. I will make it happen.

I may seem a little down. Here's a few reasons why:
1) Umm..yeah...you don't get to know that one
2) Certain people are sad/stressed/freaking out and I'm uberly concerned. And I can't do anything.
3) Everything has pretty much died on me since I got back to Illinois. Can I just go back to Texas?
4) I have a swollen throat and I'm pretty sure a cold is not far behind.
5) A few scheduling things (PS : http://hs.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=2410607233&id=1135710500&index=0 you know you want to)
6) Feeling like I should be in a good mood [and I should!] and stuff just feels petty and worthless and I don't know what to think -_- cause a lot of this stuff is like little stuff...

BC-1 final at 2:30 - 4:00 PM tomorrow.
Not doing much else. Cell will be on all day except during the final.

[Here cause it was too long for an away...]

Ubiquitous
Polemic
Perambulations
Gregarious

It's kind of funny to think how I could've written this entry at many parts during the last two days [well more like day cause it's not even 7 AM today yet], and it would've been majorly different.

...is majorly even a word?...

...so many of my friends are too much "So it Goes" I want to be the one that gets out there and does something I don't see why it has to be the way it is...

..."the derivative of what's inside!"...

...I feel stressed and at the same time I feel completely unstressed. I definitely don't have more work than I can handle. But I probably have more than I want to handle. Not on a whiny, I don't wanna do work, scale, but on a I am doing work to procrastinate from other work scale. And that's a pretty high threshold for me...

...I read the news today, oh boy! About her majesty. She's a pretty nice girl, but she doesn't have a lot to say...

...standing in the shower thinking about things isn't the best especially when you completely space out. I mean it's a great place to think about things actually, just not when you're getting ready for school...

..."lol Ilya you're insane!"...

...I truly seriously honestly think I'll be fine by Thursday...

...feeling a little sick? Might it have been being spun around in circles by various people for ten minutes straight? Yeah I told you so...

..."Y Rosa...¡se muere!"...

...didn't wake up a single time last night!...

...seven seven three. Two oh two. Beep beep beep beep. Luna!...

...And there I things I can not tell you the ever-eagerly [yeah...] reading public of this, Ilya's LJ...

..."Ain't no mountain high enough. Ain't no valley low enough. Ain't no river wide enough. And yet I still can't spell Shakespeare [<-- is that even right? Too lazy to check...]...

...Ilya: "The derivative of cost of pizza..." Bo: "NO ILYA!" ... Ilya: "The derivative of pizza as cheese approaches infinity is e to the i times pi!" Steven Harris: "That doesn't even make sense!" Ilya: "Is it supposed to?"...

...I am the glue I am the foundation I am...

(The last two days have been highly episodic. Had their ups and downs. Hence the style of this entry. More ups than downs, though...I think... So it goes.)

Some people have shown they cared. There are no words to describe how awesome they are.

...cool I am awesome...

Dear Livejournal,

Would you like some cheese with that whine?



[This is only going to make full sense to one and a half people]
(Real update coming later today)

The lightning, the 'literal bright horizons', seems so surreal considering both yesterday's and today's weather.

And yet it might have worked. It's like something out of a dream.

I see bright horizons, and I'm pretty sure they're not nuclear explosions.

Update 23:03 -- And then it lightnings! Good signs, I swear.

I have just slept from 1:30 AM to 1 PM, equalling almost 12 hours of sleep.

That's on top of about an hour of naps last night and feeling tired like all day after school.

What the heck happened?

Why is January [and a certain situation] such a vague memory?
Why is first semester such a vague memory?
Why are study hours such a vague memory?
Why is MSI such a vague memory?
Why is cross-county in my mind like it's in years gone by?

Has so much happened to me since then that these memories seem like they're forever ago?


[Content is the perfect word to describe my mood right now, by the way]

---

Someone: why msi?
Ilya: I dono
Ilya: MSI is what was different about first semester
Ilya: I could have said band
Ilya: or Physics with Horrell
Ilya: or Justin's roommate
Ilya: Justin having a roommate
Ilya: When I thought I could break the 04 bubble just a little
Ilya: my first Kadel paper
Ilya: Dani in my mi3 class
Ilya: Dani! and BFly in my MI3 class!
Someone: mmhmm
Ilya: not worrying about our wing sucking next year
Ilya: slabbing before the cold
Ilya: without all the annoying newcomers
Someone: itll get warm again...
Ilya: and yeah
Ilya: so many memories
Ilya: being in 04 every chance I got
Ilya: the reason why the pset parties I go to are held in 04 lol

http://www.last.fm/user/ilyanep/journal/2007/04/9/390982/

I miss you.

So I found my Poetic Soul entry from 10-04-06, and I remembered that I've written a few poems since then and I should add them here for later viewing.

Just want to say that the latter poem isn't really about anyone before any assumptions get formed.

---

‘Twas simply one night,
A vision of black and white,
But I’ll remember it forever.

A fairy tale land,
Which took me by the hand,
And led me away for three hours.

I quite loved it too,
No red, green or blue,
To disturb my euphoria.

And then it was gone.
They played the last song,
They said “everyone go, we are done.”

Why did it go?
It was quite a show,
Of what could have been otherwise.

But now I am here,
Nearly in tears,
For what could have been is impossible.
- 2/24/07

---

Love and Loss
The Ministry of Truth
Changing the newspaper for Big Brother
A Blindfold
Obscuring the field of view.
When it seems like everyone has something
And you don’t because…
                                   …She’s not around?
Your world of darkness and the barrier of light:
A surrealistic wall.
This hope that you are better than what you are
That someone cares.
A hand when you fall; a voice in the dark.
Yet the illusion crashes down some day.
You grope the walls to navigate,
And never find the door.
Almost...nearly…there…
Maybe she’s in there with you,
And the light would reveal unwanted truths.
Curl up and sleep.
-2/14/07

I was just reading through some older entries so I figure I'll contribute an entry. Spring break was boring, the end.

My laptop charger short circuited and I'm stuck on my Linux desktop. So it goes [long as I get use of my laptop back by the end of spring break].

Amusingly enough, I decided to clean out my music collection as soon as I lose use of my computer that has the music on it. So as soon as I can get back on it, I'm clearing off about 135-180 tracks I don't listen to anymore. Those being:

* All of my Aquabats music -- I like them but I've sort of grown out of them, and I don't really listen to them anymore
* The old Fall Out Boy album [Cork Tree] -- The new one has shown me how whiny the old one was.
* All U2 music minus Vertigo -- Never liked Bono that much anyways.
* That stupid Jay-Z Beatles hybrid album -- It's stupid :D
* Most of my Stones music -- Never really liked the stones plus or minus a few songs
* Probably get rid of all the Oomph! songs I have aside from Augen Auf
* All The Used songs I have aside from Take It Away
* The one HIM album I have

And that's about 500+ MB. The only problem is that I need to get a hold of my other computer

I watch my clock and desperately make a wish, hoping that maybe this time it'll work unlike every last time. My eyes defocus as I think about how great it would be. And, although I'm done making my wish, my eyes notice the clock has changed to 11:12. Wishing time is over, get back to hoping.

I had a dream last night, part of which involved one of the three people that I hate and hate me actually not hating me, and because of that me not hating them. Too bad it'll never happen.

Anyways, nobody's on, I'm bored, and I really want to talk to a couple of certain people.

Sometimes someone you absolutely love to death makes stupid mistakes and you find yourself hoping that they fail. And then you feel so guilty thinking it...